


what actually happens when gay guys see other gay guys and straight people aren't around

by YouLookGoodInLeather



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brian Jordan Alvarez, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Surreal, Webseries, YouTube, irreverent humour, the lowest point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 14:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12509372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouLookGoodInLeather/pseuds/YouLookGoodInLeather
Summary: The water in Nesta’s pan sploshes around. It could be a sign. He tries again ‘do lesbians hold water in pots?’_____brian jordon alvarez videos transcribed and edited to insert SJM characters.





	1. Cameron Diaz

**Author's Note:**

> if you came here for wisdom- you came to the right place, boys.

based on [this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbhcRKsRwFM)video

* * *

 

Rhysand hops in the car. Cassian is there waiting for him. “So, how excited are you to see your little baby?”

“So excited,” Rhys says. He’s grinning. He keeps grinning.

“I need to tell you about my night last night.”

“Oh? Tell me _all_ about it.” Neither of them are moving, save for their lips. Cassian's lips are red.

“So, I’m hanging out in my apartment, I’ve got some candles.” Last night, Cassian was hanging out in his apartment, surrounded by some candles and he was feeling good. “I’m feeling good, I’ve had eight glasses of wine.”

“Oh, gotcha.”

“And down in the street I hear these two beautiful boys, like they’re skate boarding or doing flips or something.”

He went off from his bed to the balcony. Out in the street, there were two beautiful boys, like they’re skate boarding or doing flips or something. He languished across the railing. “And one of them looks up at me and has the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. Asian.”

“Beautiful.”

“And you know how I like a little asian.”

He dipped and laughed, throwing back his long curls. “You remember my date with Glen?”

“Very well,” Rhys says.

“The point is I say, ‘woohoo boys, and they sort of look.’” He reached out an arm for them, half dancing, half posing. “The one who isn’t asian, is black.”

“Wait- wh- you don’t have to- this could be a colour blind story.”

“But I want to fill it with colour?” Cassian says, frowning. He wants to fill his story with colour.

“Yeah, but I’m just saying,” Rhys says, just saying. “It’s like, there’s a race problem in fandom right now.”

“And in Pythrian. A Race- _ism_ problem.”

“I agree.”

“Well, this story isn’t racist,” Cassian tells him. “It’s _diverse_ .” Rhys blinks at him. “If everyone in it was white, _then_ it would be racist, Rhysand Gallo.”  

They stare at one another. “You know what,” Rhys says, holding out a hand. “You’re right. Go ahead.” Cassian raises a brow. He goes ahead.

“So the boys come up to my apartment and I’m wearing a robe; I am only wearing a robe.” The door opened. He was _only_ wearing a robe. “And I say: ‘Why don’t you come in my boudoir and watch me do a monologue?’ And they say: ‘Where’s the Bed?’ And I say: ‘This is the bed right here.’” He gestured to the bed, which was right there.

“And they say: ‘Can we sit on the bed?’ And I say: ‘Sure, but these are expensive Japanese linen.’ And they say: ‘But they’re not even soft!’” They said they weren’t even soft. At the door, Cassian paused. He turned back to them. “Sometimes, things that are expensive,” they looked at one another, “are _worse_.”

“Wow,” Rhys says.

 

“So anyway, I sucked both their dicks.”

“Did you do the monologue?”

“I did an early work by the master,” Cassian answers with a sly smile. Rhys nods and smiles when he gets it. They say together,

“Cameron Diaz.”


	2. How gay guys actually experience lesbians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3kyeOUrdS4) video

So Lucien is standing there with Morrigan and Nesta and they’re in the kitchen and Nesta is holding a saucepan filled with water. She turns around to Mor and says, “So, I introduced her as my girlfriend.” Mor gives a sad smile. “And it was… _weird_.” Lucien is watching with a vacant expression. “You know. Well, you know, you’re a lesbian.”

“Oh I am, oh thank you-” Mor starts to reply but Lucien can’t hear the rest of it because the world is buzzing.

He looks around in horrified confusion. The world keeps buzzing, a kind of distant siren. He is sweating. He does not know where he is. They keep talking, but their words do not make sense. Their voices echo around the room. He grabs his temples. What is happening? What is going on? They keep talking beside the fridge.

In hope of survival, he grabs his phone. Google. ‘What are lesbians!????’ Still the world does not make sense. ‘have i ever met a lesbian?’ Yet all google suggests is ‘have you met a gay cat’. Even this is failing him. He tries to see the world through a different lens. He takes pictures of them on his phone. They are blurry. The women keep talking in those hazy, intrusive voices. The sun shines in through the window, blinding him from making out their features.

He takes more pictures. ‘are these wimen ledbians???’ His thumbs are failing him now. The world is spinning. Everything is spinning. Google. ‘am i dying???’ The water in Nesta’s pan sploshes around. It could be a sign. He tries again ‘do lesbians hold water in pots?’ All he can hear is the word ‘women’ bouncing around the room, ushering out of their strange, strange lips.

He is sure he is dying. He grabs his hand. He is muttering ‘oh my god oh my god’. He touches his eyes. He tries to escape from the room, but there are all these cabinets preventing him from clambering out of the ceiling.

“Lately,” he hears through the shining noise. Morrigan is speaking. “I’ve been having this impulse to have group sex.”

“Oh my god!” Lucien gasps, stumbling. Stumbling, and grasping the pair of them. “Ho my god. Group sex.” Nesta looks at him, blinking, She still has the pot of water in her hand. “I know what you guys are talking about now.” He struggles to regain his breath. Finally, the world has stopped spinning so fast. “I didn’t,” he pants. “I was so lost for a minute.

Mor frowns at him. “Why- haven’t you ever been around a lesbian before?”

Oh Cauldron, the noise is back. He can no longer stand, the voices thundering down from the ceiling. They are coming for him. He is dying. He slides down the fridge, trying to fend them off.

The sirens blare.

**Author's Note:**

> find our lord and saviour brian jordan alvarez on his eponymous youtube channel


End file.
